So, the back story.

College means papers. Lots of them. Lots of reading. Lots of writing. Papers.

Refer to my last post about time. He says that His "yoke is easy and His burden is light." Indeed, Jesus does not ask for anything extraordinarily difficult - believe that He is who He says He is (rising from the dead was a big confirmation of that one), get to know His word, invest in a relationship with Him, put ones self after Him and others...it goes on. In regards to requirements, these are in theory very easy.

But dedicating time to Him when I have barely had enough time for homework is another matter. This is not a new lesson. I've had to leave my academic life at His feet and trust that I'm not in this alone. And I haven't been. This week confirmed it.

I have Tuesday mornings free. This week, I had a paper due on Thursday. I spent most of Saturday on said paper, trying to accomplish something so that I would be able to move on with my life. I was running into a wall, and was frustrated. And so, I had planned on spending a majority of Tuesday morning finishing this thing up.

Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday is when I finally fell into attention and was listening to God, waiting to hear what He says. Tuesday morning, I spent the entire time with Him, and He gave me an indescribable peace about the paper, that I would get it done. Crazy, I know. I barely have any other time during the week in which to work on papers, but I trusted.

Here's the awesome part.

I received an e-mail last night that the due date of the paper was postponed until next week. Not only that, but the professor clarified more on the assignment, and I would have totally been off base had I continued to write according to my original plan.

I guess the moral of the story is that sometimes we feel like we're supposed to be charging forward and accomplishing much, but it feels as though we're trying to run along a beach (in that the sand is pulling you down and sucking the energy out of you). But, sometimes, this resistance is because we're not seeing the whole picture, and need more information before we can complete our task. Additionally, giving time to God will result in time being given back. It's crazy how that works out.

But seriously. Things like this happen to me all the time with school. I've had classes canceled on days when I really would not have done well, assignments, quizzes, and tests pushed back when I could not complete them on time. I gave God my education. The scholarship I have that covers my tuition depends upon my GPA. I had to give Him control of that scholarship, telling Him that serving and obeying Him was more important than whether or not I would have to take out more loans as a student. His hands have been all over school these past two semesters.

And so, I am acknowledging the fact that God has bragging rights over my success as a student. I'm not saying that He works the same way in all cases - perhaps some people just need to seriously learn how to be responsible and buckle down.

But God -- Jesus -- you're the reason. You're it. Thank you for being so good to your servant.

So, I was hanging out with God today.
Love doing that.

Anyway, I have a nook in my dorm room that has served as my place for prayer and Bible study on a daily basis, and I set up a marker board there where I can write up verses I want to memorize...prayers...whatever.

Today, I wrote this:
"The world must know you, Father.
My life is before you -
I am stepping out,
I am obeying.
the world needs your kingdom.
May I have the honor of being a worker in your harvest?"

I noticed something about it, and I don't even really understand the significance of it, but all of the verbs I used are present tense.

The present is such a weird concept - an infinitesimal point in time that is constantly changing. That in itself blows my mind.

But how are we using that small, minuscule opportunity of time? What are you doing in your present? eternity lies on either side of that point, and it is easy to get wrapped up in what we have done with God, or what we are going to do...where's the present?

I'm not saying to forget what God has done, nor to pray about what He is going to do....but neglect not the present.

I feel so useless. Granted, I know I'm not working at the moment (I had been at SVSU as an orientation leader, but those days have been used up...and I can't seek another job because I'm going to be an RA in the fall). But it's more than that. I feel as though I'm doing very little for God's kingdom right now.

I don't know what to do. And there is danger in getting so wrapped up in having to be serving and making that into god, rather than serving God and keeping eyes on Him. I know that I cannot get the mission mixed up with the One giving it. So perhaps I'm seeking the wrong thing in seeking a mission and not necessarily seeking Him, and letting whatever else happen.

It might sound incredibly stupid, but I feel so spoiled by God. He has given me sooooo much, and in some ways I don't understand it, and in many ways I don't like it. Part of me wants to have nothing, to live the life of a church mouse. Things. The concept burns me. And yet I pursue a few of them.

Materialism. Money. Possessions.

Being so wrapped up in appearances and clothing.

Bah.

Another stupid rant - makeup. I hate it so. What on earth is a woman making up for when she puts it on? What didn't God do? Why primp and preen? to what avail?

Clothes. Shoes. I went walking through the mall the other day. It seemed so empty. So pointless. There were things I wanted in there. I found a pair of pants that made my butt look amazing, for example. But...bah! There are so many other things to use that money for. And don't get me started on shoes. I own a pair of boots for the winter. Two pairs of sandals. Running shoes. Casual shoes. That's it, and that's more than many people in this world have! How blessed! How awesome is my provider!

Granted, what am I typing this on? my own laptop. how wretched I am to have so much!

None of this is from me. How often do I forget that? I am completely dependent upon God. Providing for ones own needs - what an illusion! What a grand illusion! Thinking ones self independent of God's provision (whether through parents or through jobs or whatever). What a lie! What a grand and clever lie! To twist blessing around into pride.

These might sound like religious rantings of a lunatic. And perhaps they are. I'm ready to embrace lunacy, however. To wrap my arms around it. To seek to promote others rather than myself. To break myself for the sake of those God wishes to fix. To die, essentially. Radical.

Oh Lord, give me your strength to be who you want me to be! To live as you want me to live!